|Running for Home (again)
||[Mar. 19th, 2008|11:07 pm]
I keep using the "Running for Home" title on posts occasionally. It comes from the Matthew Good song, but it extends out further for me. That feeling in baseball, making that run from third base to home plate. I hate watching baseball, but I can remember that feeling from when I was a kid the few times I made it onto third. I was a slow runner as a kid, the ball would be hit out into feild and all of a sudden it was a mad dash and I was the target, I was the threat. All I could focus on was making it home, I couldn't look behind me to see what was happening I had to watch the plate, make sure I made it home before the catcher got the ball. Everything rode in those few last seconds. I still get that feeling at times, that feeling that everything is coming down around me and as long as I make it to home plate I can rest a little while, I'll be safe again. It's come along again. Sometimes I'd get the run going and I know I'm going to make it home, others I knew I was burnt, others, like now, it's a crap shoot, I don't know how long I've got but I know it's not long.
None of my friends will get it, I know that, they don't get sports, they all know where they are. Everythiong has been changing for me. The one person I could talk to about it is out of my life for good and that is a good thing most days, except at times like right now. Hyped up with this crazy nervous energy, just wanting to jump right out of my skin, and at the same time a fatalistic feeling of "what happens happens". I'm not the same person I was a year ago, I know what I want and where I want to be, but at the same time I'm feeling as if I lost my compass.
In life I've been a slow runner too. I always feel as if I'm ten years behind everyone else. But if I can get my foot on home plate in time maybe things will start for me. I don't run often, but when I do... I can run.